I have done a lot of thinking about what I would like to talk about in my first post and no matter how much I avoid it, something keeps bringing me back to a subject that is extremely personal and close to my heart. In fact, even writing this intro, I have found myself feeling over whelmed with emotion.
So without further a doo, lets get to it....
Ok, so to do this properly I should start from the beginning.
I have always been a very bubbly and out going person. I'm sure you know those people who make people laugh by just being silly and saying stupid things, ALL OF THE TIME, well that was me.
I went to University at 18 but didn't complete my degree. In fact after the first year, I just knew it wasn't for me. I found myself working in a bar at night, sleeping in the days and the times I wasn't working I pretty much always went out. I was living like a student but without the studies.
This I did for another two years until money got the better of me and I knew, I needed to make a change and so I packed my bags and went home.
I wasn't home for a week before mum was pushing my butt out the door to find a job. Four weeks later I had my first full time office job. It was great, I had a new challenge, money in my pocket and was meeting new people as well as rekindling friendships with old friends.
Then, two weeks later, I met him.....
All I am prepared to say right now is that we had a fairly good first year, and then two not so good years. Years of upset, control and what can only be described as mental distress. That ended. With that, I also decided it was time for me to move jobs and develop my career.
I moved in with a friend as he was kind enough to let me rent his spare room for a few months whilst I figured things out. It wasn't long before I fell in love, real love! Yes I fell for my flat mate, landlord and friend - what a risk ey! A risk worth taking because I have never been happier in my entire life!
Dress - topshop
Necklace - Vintage (Charity shop)
There is just one thing that keeps tugging away at me, pulling me down and playing with my mind.
In November 2013, I had my first panic attack. Granted, I was going through some stress at work. I began feeling like I had the world on my shoulders and day by day it was getting more and more heavy until that morning when I finally fell.
It was a normal work day, the only difference is I woke up crying. I cried in the shower, I cried in my dressing room and I cried getting dressed. I cant even remember the drive to work, and I had an hour commute at the time. All I remember is that I sat down at my desk and as soon as I saw the windows sign flash up on my computer, I couldn't breath. My body was shaking so hard it's exhausting just thinking about it. I was having a panic attack!
That was the first. I was sent home and relaxed for a few days ready to start a fresh on the Monday. I cant remember exactly how long it was after that before the anxiety kicked in but I believe it was a couple of weeks. I soon went to the doctors to seek advice.
I wasn't in the doctors for 5 minutes before they prescribed me with anti anxiety tablets (also used for anti depressants). I don't know about you guys but I always hated the thought of taking a tablet to make you feel better, but reluctantly, I trusted the doctor as to be quite frank, I was willing to try anything!
I have been on the tablets for over a year now and to be perfectly honest, I don't know if they help. I have had a couple more panic attacks since the first and have days of feeling anxious at least once every two weeks. I have had telephone CBT (Cognitive behaveral therapy), personally, that didn't really help me. I am now looking at face to face counciling. I do think that talking to a professional with help me.
I couldn't wish for a better life, I have the most perfect fiancé (yes fiancé), family and friends and I literally am so blessed.
I believe that the reason why I have anxiety is a lot to do with my last relationship. I think my mind has been confused with change. Going from the crazy student life to being so miserable and suddenly, I was actually happy. I was suddenly with someone that made me truly happy.
Now when I feel anxious, as silly as it sounds, I try to smile. Take deep breaths and think happy thoughts. It is really important to not let it effect your life to much. There have been times when I have wanted to cancel doing things with friends last minute because I have felt like I just wanted to curl up in a dark room and eat chocolate. Don't! there has not been a time yet when I have decided to go out anyway and have come home feeling happy and forgetting that I was even anxious at all. I'm no therapist, but from my experience so far, don't let it change your day to day!
I know this is a rather serious first post but I guess, what better way to get to know me a little, than me share something that is so personal. I would love to think that if you go through a similar thing that this in some way, has helped you. I know it has me!
Bye Bye for now!
